My Name is Squirrel

Well, it's all sort of starting to sink in. Yes, I had a day yesterday, spent mostly in bed watching godawful television and browsing craigslist. Misery is a hangover with too much on the mind.

I'm sort of taking a My Name is Earl approach to things lately. It seems wise to reconstruct any bridges I've burnt as of late. Thursday night was spent at class--then I went to a concert at the Empty Bottle. Sebastian Tellier. I think his brand of music (using the Laterie approach of very specifically giving a brand to all the bands they had in the venue) would be "dream synth sex electro-pop". There were quite a few fruit loops there, but they were all right. Some odd dancing. The man of the hour was decked out in large French looking sunglasses, a white French looking scarf, and a white French looking suit. He was French as fuck! The music was sexy and ambient. In the right circumstances I might have danced and really enjoyed it.

I did enjoy it, but I didn't really enter into it--rather, I got a little antsy and continually meandered. Most of these meanderings involved getting another vodka and sprite (god, when will I learn) which led to my hangover hell yesterday.

On a good note, I spoke with Glennifer quite a bit--he was at the show. This is where my new little mission is coming in. I mean, I still hate the fuck, but, I guess, not really. I mean, hating him would be admission of being a total pussy that can't deal with anyone giving me shit. Forgiveness is important. Someone that apologizes as much as I do should also learn to accept one. Well, that fucknut didn't say sorry one bit. After about eight vodka sprites, I eventually told him we should hang out more (words I didn't mean then and definitely didn't mean after the drinks wore off). But, he's Glen. There's no need to knock him out of the "minor character" status simply because he's a asshole. Actually, all the more reason to keep him in.

So I guess I sort of feel like a squirrel that's trying to find all his nuts that he buried over the winter. This winter was spent in a weird isolation that ended up being somewhat social. I never saw the same person much (besides Betsy), yet I was going out quite frequently. I'd like to gather back as many friendships as possible before I cut out for good. (Note, this might be selfish. Once I share this with other people, I'm sure I'll be desperate for comments and any sort of contact from the people that are/aren't my friends. Japanese loneliness is going to be a real bitch.)

Glennifer offered to help me learn my 8-track which I just got out again and vowed not to take for granted. I want to write and record some songs pronto. It's going with me to Japan as well. I'm certain.

I've got an odd sort of Holden Caulfield feeling going on today. I need to talk to someone--desperately but I know that every conversation I have will end up making me angry and further depressed. Jane is scheduled for 5:00. Doubt she'll make it, but if I do meet her, I'm pretty sure I'll end up feeling like a total bag of shit at the end. There's so much I want to tell her. It will be interesting to see what happens--I hope for once she'll actually consider my feelings as relevant. The fucked up part, though, is that I have absolutely no relevance to her life whatsoever. The tables have turned, and I'm feeling really bogged down. I had a dream about her two nights ago that I'm desperately trying to forget.

I guess I'll make a list here.

Burnt Bridges I will try to rebuild before July 25th:

1. I'd like to write my mom a letter that says all the things I've held back since I was about 17. This would be a dangerous but potentially important letter.

2. I'd like to make sure my students know that I think highly of them. I'd also like to make sure they get at least a bit of my personal philosophy before I'm gone for good.

3. There are about five Montini students that I need to write letters to. I've grown so far from my relationships that I usually keep close to my heart.

4. I'd like to resolve things with Jane, even though this is selfish on my part. She doesn't need the resolution, but I'd like to have some.

5. I'm hoping to leave Montini on good terms with the administration and other teachers. This is also selfish because I'm hoping to get a job when I'm ready to come back.

I guess I don't have too much to try to accomplish. Three of the five dealt with Montini which is pretty easy. I'm pretty sure I won't have a lot to write home about--or to whom to write home about. I can tell this is going to be a loneliness worse than France. I guess I should worry more about the future than the past. It's amazing how life goes on once you're gone!

Well, I'm about to jump into a really really bad idea. I guess the only answer is to be completely stoic and repressive. This probably won't get me far on my list, but for today, I don't have a better solution.