It's the Best Years of Your Life They Want to Steal

1-2-3-4!
Hey, hey!
Ooh!
the kingdom is ransacked
the jewels all taken back
and the chopper descends
they're hidden in the back
with a message on a half-baked tape
with the spool going round
saying im back here in this place
and i could cry
and there's smoke you could click on
What are we gonna do now?
Taking off his turban, they said, is this man a Jew?’
Cos working for the clampdown
They put up a poster saying we earn more than you!
When we're working for the clampdown
We will teach our twisted speech
To the young believers
We will train our blue-eyed men
To be young believers
The judge said five to ten but I say double that again
I'm not working for the clampdown
No man born with a living soul
Can be working for the clampdown
Kick over the wall 'cause government's to fall
How can you refuse it?
Let fury have the hour, anger can be power
D'you know that you can use it?
The voices in your head are calling
Stop wasting your time, there's nothing coming
Only a fool would think someone could save you
The men at the factory are old and cunning
You don't owe nothing, so boy get runnin'
It's the best years of your life they want to steal
But, you grow up and you calm down and
You're working for the clampdown
You start wearing the blue and brown and
You're working for the clampdown
So you got someone to boss around
It makes you feel big now
You drift until you brutalize
You made your first kill now
In these days of evil presidentes
Working for the clampdown
But lately one or two has fully paid their due
For working for the clampdown
Ha! Gitalong! Gitalong!
Working for the clampdown
Ha! Gitalong! Gitalong!
Working for the clampdown
Yeah I’m working hard in Harrisburg
Working hard in Petersburg Working for the clampdown
Working for the clampdown
Ha! Gitalong! Gitalong
Begging to be melted down
Gitalong, gitalong
Work
Work
And I give away no secrets – ha!
Work
More work
Work
Work

"Clampdown" The Clash

"Working doesn't work" Ted Leo

I'm feeling radical and confident tonight. Skipped guitar class (shit!) and opted to get coffee and write a bunch.

I remember when I was in Strasbourg, I listened to "Clampdown" fairly religiously and decided that I was in the right for fucking up my entire credit, 401k, and liver for the experience of throwing it all away. It was a strange time in retrospect. At 32 I look back at 29 and 30 with chagrin (made way too big a deal out of things), but I'm proud of the freedom I found in my soul. Going away from it all is the only way it can be done. I've attempted to have this drunken conversation with a few friends--they agree but don't have the balls to do anything about it.

So, now I have to put this new one in perspective without sounding like a total pretentious prick. I'm really fucking glad that I won't be doing formal work (the same thing every day, et al) for at least one year. I'm giddy with anticipation.

It's amazing how the clampdown concept (the man, the work, the bullshit) gets its claws in almost every sucker on this planet. People actually think they are defining some sort of legacy by having a shit job that sucks the life out of them or raising some snot-nosed brat that is going to grow up and make the same mistakes they made. I must digress for a moment.

Tonight on my way back home from the coffee shop, I wondered what could significantly make me anchored to some sense of stability, and I decided I would have to have a child. People say that changes everything and redefines life's meaning. I guess I could see that. And if I didn't after it happened, I would be an irresponsible asshole even by my own book. I remember hearing a story from a teacher that I work with about how he stared at his son in the rearviewmirror constantly after having him. Even years after he was born. He said it was a bit of a traffic hazard. Maybe I'd feel the same. Maybe life is the greatest gift to give to oneself and the world. Maybe I'm really missing out on a critical aspect of existence that I've written off without much thought. Right now, though, it just makes so much sense to be free and independent without having to worry about anyone but myself and my pursuit for more life and more freedom. In a way, I have a lot of children, in the sense that I teach and have taught quite a few young souls. That's good enough for me.

I told my students on Friday that I'm moving to Japan. Of course, the reaction was weird. I didn't know what to expect, but it was sort of non-existent. I'll miss them a whole lot, and I know for a fact that I take them for granted. Too often, I dip into the awful mindset that they're all spoiled and ungrateful for their education (and in reality, I'm sure there are a lot of students outside Mantini that I'd get along with far more swimmingly than the ones I have), but certain days, I can't help but really care about them. I need to make the most out of the next few days and let them know I care. This will take a lot of time and effort. Shit, I can't even fit in the time to buy the winners of my Shakespeare contest a fucking candy bar! It never used to be this way. I have become really selfish with my time lately.

If I were a psychiatrist giving me advice during those early years of teaching, I would have had to recommend to myself that I find other ways to focus my attention rather than completely on teaching. I was totally obsessed with it, and IT dragged me down when it didn't go perfectly according to plan. I had such high expectations for myself and how my students would relate to me. Whenever things didn't go according to plan (90% of the time) I got really depressed and negative toward myself. I needed to focus more on myself. Now that I do, though, I find that my teaching really suffers. Technically, I become a stronger teacher every year, but the life and soul of it is nearly gone. I don't tell stories like I used to. I don't connect. I don't create memories. Sure, the content is taught better and more efficiently--I'm smarter and savvier, but it's not as absurd and passionate as it used to be.

I'm falling into the same traps that I see my students fall into. I'm always at my computer, and when someone stops in to talk after school, I push them away with my eyes. Busy busy busy with idle hands.

So, I shall depart without much aplomb. I'll leave the place where I spent almost a third of my life without anyone noticing a whole lot. It seems like most of the teachers that I work with don't think very highly of me. Maybe it's my imagination, and most likely, I'd react the same way they are to my leaving (if they left) even if they were good teachers. I've never been very good at making work friends. I've never tried a whole lot. I can't be expecting more love leaving the door than I've given while inside. Got to remember what the fucking Beatles taught me, sugar!

My freshmen, though. They are really one of a kind. I feel like this year could have been an awesomely hilarious sitcom with the personalities that I had in class. I need to make sure they know I care about them and want to see them go far in life. What's going to happen to them? There are so many that are really on the cusp of potentially having really hard knock lives.

And there are more than a handful of students that I didn't teach this year that are just totally incredible. I always forget how great they are at this point in the school year because I've sort of checked out.

Well, I'm going to bequeath my Clash poster to Peter with the hopes that he'll keep Rock of Ages rocking. Maybe I'll add a "Clampdown" quotation to it. Maybe "It's the best years of your life they want to steal." That pretty much sums up what I've tried to get across to nine years of students. God, I wonder how many times I've stolen their years with my own personal bullshit. I always go back to the idea that I'm doing more harm than good. I'm becoming selfish and focused on my own progress, but while climbing that ladder, I'm helping some loose rungs along the way. Maybe the "twisted speech" I teach is something that will make sense at some point down the road for them.

I do know that for myself, I've proven that I'm not locked in to the system--tonight, that seems like the only thing that matters.