"Ra" is for Rocket

In very limited time, I have been able to grasp Hiragana and (almost) Katakana. I'm quite proud of myself. My head seems to be getting around learning to read again--even at age 32. It's not so much me; I'm very grateful for the Rowley books that use mneumonic devices to teach the symbols. You see something in the symbol that looks like the sound it makes--and it magically sticks. "Ra" is for Rocket. "Te" is for telescope, etc. They sound like Ray Bradbury story titles.

I had a really nice day today and a fairly nice night tonight. Minor victories truly are major victories in a foreign country. My supervisor, Domon-Sensei, is incredibly nice, and I feel like I'm getting along with her well. I make many mistakes, but she doesn't seem to mind. Talking to her is pleasant, and I'm incredibly fond of the way she says my name, "Michael". Her voice is very kind and easy.

I'm listening to depressing music right now, so I'm feeling rather thoughtful.

My mood has changed so much since I left Chicago. I was on top of the world upon departure (save the fact that I was throwing shit in my suitcase at a frantic rate trying to get it all together).

Henry Miller was my guide when I travelled through Europe. Miller and Hemmingway. They made it easy. All I had to do was drink, chase tail, make a fool of myself, fail/succeed, and laugh about it in the morning. It's far more difficult in Japan. I wonder what Henry Miller would think about this place. It's not much at all like his despised New York, but I'd imagine he'd feel much like I'm feeling right now. I guess he'd focus on art and literature. I can't quite get there. I'm being logical and focusing on learning the language, but I guess I need to get my head around the bigger philosophical aspects of my time here. It's not easy to do.

The whole city is surrounded by mountains. And the whole city seems to be dying from what people are telling me. Flight. People have left for various reasons and many of the places are closing down. There's life here; it's not a ghost town by any means, but many places are deserted and will most likely never be anything again. Odate--once again, it's hard to believe that it's my home for two years at least.

In a way I'm happy that I didn't hit it off with the other Americans here. By this time in France I had fallen in love harder than I ever had in my life. There is certainly no Adriana in Odate. There is about zero chance of that happening again. I remember at this point I had gotten Adriana's phone number and accidentally called it once. I couldn't get her out of my head and vowed that she would be mine. The level of torment that she put me through is impossible to measure. I guess initial loneliness is maybe better than dysfunctional infatuation. It's hard to say. There was so much done in an attempt to appease her that I never really found out much about myself. I guess I'll have to wait and see how self-discovery goes while I'm here.

The problem is that I abondoned self-discovery. I have very little interest in knowing myself any more than I already do. I get it. I get me. I don't need to analyze my own weird quirks anymore. I've got them all down. I'd like to feel inspired, but I need to do it from the outside, not the inside. I think I need to find a church. Maybe I'll ask Domon-sensei about her Buddhist place of worship.

The moon was full tonight. It made me want to write. I'm feeling simple and appreciative, much like the Japanese poetry that I enjoy.

I stared at the moon tonight and wondered if the people that matter to me could see it. Of course, it was hard to get my head around the fact that they were seeing the moon from the opposite side of the world. And it was approaching daylight for them, the day before. I wondered why Jane never wrote me back after I poured out my feelings to her. Then I wondered why I was wondering about that when I was so far removed from any of the bullshit that I left behind in Chicago. It's hard to forget everyone, though, not that I would want to.

I miss the days when I could rant in my journal about nonsense and make it seem like the most important bullshit on the planet--at least to me. I'm beginning to see the change that old(er) age takes upon a soul. No surprises. Lots and lots of frustrations, but very little surprises.

I think I'll be happy when I get my 8-track up and working. I bought a 100 dollar memory card for the fucker (and spent 200 dollars buying a new one after I fucked it up), and the thing doesn't work! I'm so annoyed. I have to try to buy a card that is only one gig rather than two gigs. It's quite annoying. The company I ordered one from will not allow me to place the order because I'm in Japan. Tomorrow, I'm going to try to go to the electronics shop and purchase one.

I'm beginning to realize that very little inspires me in this world besides other people. When I'm alone, I can create, but I need some fuel, some outside living body to make the juices juiced. Right now, I have no connections.

Walking down the street, though I'm old and feel it, I felt like a child. The road to the supermarket was dark, and only the full moon was lighting my path. It reminded me of the late night walks I used to take when I was a child. I often would walk around the block to the park, and things (whether I liked to admit it then or not) were terrifying. Things weren't terrifying tonight, but they were certainly uncanny. No one would look at me. People in their windows lookd like something out of a movie. Everything was at peace.

I guess that's the issue I'm facing. Strasbourg was constant chaos. I relished in it. Chaos around every corner. Chaos at the Molodoi on the weekend. Chaos in my heart for Adriana. Chaos at home when I tried to speak to the Roubels. Here, all is peace. I've learned how to adapt to chaos, but how can one learn to adapt to peace. I don't even lock my doors here, even with all my electronic equipment and stash of cash. Nothing can go wrong... so how is it possible to feel inspired?

I'm either going to love this or hate it. I hear people preach peace frequently, but now I understand why war/chaos/animosity are so necessary. My heart longs for them.

I thought my blog would get more interesting once I was here, but I see it (especially this post) as quite boring.

One thing is for certain, I'll be alone a lot, and I'll have the time to sort out some priorities. Learning the beautiful Japanese language is priority one. That could dictate my future. I could end up staying here on my own terms if I am able to learn the language. Creating art is priority number two. The fuel must arise. Music, rather than terrible paintings and rough-around-the-edges poetry, will be critical. I need a guitar. Everything else is in its right place.

I'm rather enjoying listening to the song "Rocket" by the good old Smashing Pumpkins right now. It has been in my head all day because of my Katakana mneumonic device.

I miss me, I miss everything I'll never be!

It's the perfect soundtrack to how I'm feeling tonight. Total impossibility to get my head around everything.

Well, enough being a drama kween! Time to study, drink, sleep, and prepare. More meetings and awkward greetings tomorrow.

"The moon is out, the stars invite, I think I'll leave tonight!"