You Don't Miss Your Water, Till Your Well Runs Dry

Well, I'm here in Odate. Nearly 10 months of preparation for this, and I'm here. Good thing--I've calmed down since I wrote last. I'm a bit embarrassed about my last post, but I guess that's the nature of the beast. Today was great. I got to be by myself all day and get my apartment unpacked. Hopefully, by the time I'm done with this blog, I'll have my apartment tour uploaded on Youtube. It's slow--I've failed twice--but I'm being persistent and very appreciative of the free Internet that I've managed to hijack. There's a good chance that it'll fall apart before I'm done with the blog, but I keep trying to make lemonade. Things will be all right.

I'm going out tonight, which will hopefully be fun. Alicia, Jesse, and Ang seem to not mind that I tag along. I'm praying that I can pull off being relatively normal tonight. I'm really tired of looking tightly wound. Relax! Don't do it! When you want to sock it to it!

Awkward has returned. The brief respite that I enjoyed of feeling comfortable in my own skin is long gone. Every motion is weird and painful. I'll try to capture the last two days here the best I can.

I arrived in Odate Airport. I had been a real asshole to the fellow ALTs (other people in my shoes) and didn't come close to making any friends. I vowed on the airplane to change it. I watched myself depart from the window seat and got all Stuart Smalley with positive affirmations. Things would be ok. I'm good enough, smart enough, and dawgonnit, people like me. I kept having flashbacks, though, of painful moments at orientation. Many times I mumbled to myself. I put on "Rocket Queen" with about fifteen minutes left in the flight as one last punch to get my head straight (it worked fairly well before every date I had in Chicago), but the announcement told me that I had to call it quits right around the simulated sex (real sex) during the interval. No, "I see you standing...". I was shit out of luck.

We were warned upon landing by Dominic (a CIR that helped us with the travel plans) that it would be a fishbowl upon grabbing our luggage. It was. Immediately, there were four groups of people with four signs awaiting the four of us--the new ALTs. Chris and Domon-sensei held my sign upside-down. Rather funny. I was really nervous. The worst part of the whole thing was knowing that I wouldn't live up to expectations.

Expectation+Reality=Fucked.

I talked a big game in e-mails, thinking that I'd be able to act Chicag0-cool. Not that I was all that cool, but I could hold my own. I forgot how horribly I functioned in these sorts of situations normally. Deep breath, deep breath. Quick photo op at the airport with the gang. Here we go. Time to meet them.

I wrote down on a luggage tag and practiced saying "Happy Birthday" in Japanese to Domon-sensei. It was her birthday. I fucked it up and had to pull out the ghetto-ass luggage tag in an effort to say it. She seemed appreciative. Chris didn't know it was her birthday. I nervously bowed; she nervously shook my hand. Small talk small talk small talk. I was jealous of turtles who could have retired inside a shell. I had to be the best I could, and I couldn't pull off a whole lot.

The car ride to Odate High School was not too memorable. Domon-sensei told me that Chris told her that Odate was green and beautiful in Japanese when she picked him up. I told her the same in English which immediately made me feel inferior. Alas, the comparisons began. I met some of the people at the school. They clapped for me! Some of the students seemed very excited to see me. I guess they were told that I would be arriving. It wasn't nearly as extreme as I was told it would be in orientation, but it was pretty cool. I could barely get a grunt out of most of my students at Montini when I saw them. These kids stared at me like I was a celebrity.

Conversations are awful. I try to speak my limited Japanese (which is basically none), and they try their limited English. I shouldn't expect them to speak English. I don't. Not even close to an expectation. But I sort of envisioned it like France. In France, English was a possibility. I knew this going into the whole thing, but it didn't hit me until I was faced with a group of coworkers that I could barely say "hello" to. Awkwardness takes over completely.

Then I saw my apartment. Hopefully the video that's about a half an hour away from being uploaded will help with this. It will go here: ???????

Dinner with the other ALTs. I felt awful for Chris and really everyone else that I went out with. I doubt they are normally the way they were that night, and I blame myself. Not only was I awkward, but I brought about the awkward in everyone else. It was tough for me to think of Chris--spending his last night with me around. If Chris was feeling anything like I felt when I was leaving France, then he was probably a hot mess. Of course, I was saying good-bye to Carole at the end which was really tough, but he probably felt pretty close all the same.

The dinner was great. Actually, I've had three really fab meals since I've been here. That's pretty good considering that I've only been here for two days.

Jesse took me to the grocery store and was very kind to help me with everything. Jesse seems very kind and thoughtful. I can imagine that he's a total queen in many respects, but I was grateful for the help he gave me. I can't help but wonder how I'm being judged by all these people that I'm meeting. My personal Ayn Rand mantra ("Judge and be prepared to be judged") is falling a bit short on this trip. I'd almost rather fall back on the old Bible quote that I've often scoffed at. "Judge not lest ye be judged". What makes you think you're such hot shit that you can call me a wanker before getting to know me? The reality, though, is that I'm acting like a total wanker and should just be inside my head trying to change it... or more importantly, to RELAX!

It was nice to come home and watch bad Japanese television and prepare for the next day. Sleep. Deep sweet sleep. No thoughts, no pain, no joy, just dark dark sleep. My electric mind that was bouncing around on all cylinders was grateful to tune out Tokyo for some time.

I'm listening to Otis Redding right now, by the way, and it totally kicks ass. He covered the same song (covered?) that Gram did. "You Don't Miss Your Water". It's a real tearjerker at this sort of moment.

Domon-sensei and Chris took me around the entire following day to take care of business. The day started oddly. A woman waved to me from Chris' van (my van!), so I waved back. It turns out that it was a woman that was rather close to Chris. Once again, I added the awkward and didn't realize that I should have stepped out of a farewell until it was too late. Yoshimi--god, she was fucking beautiful. I can't be thinking wicked thoughts yet, though. Hopefully eventually I'll be the only game in town.

Everything went smoothly. I'll save trying to write about everything we did; it basically consisted of getting my apartment, car, residency, and insurance squared away. I'm an official resident of Odate! And I got a cell phone. I wish I could somehow with words capture the woman that helped us get the phone plan. She was absolutely adorable--like a living doll or cartoon or both. I wanted to fuck and cuddle with her simultaneously. Or maybe just put her on my shoulders. I'm sure many moments like that are on the horizon.

I got the night to myself the night before last. Chris was having a hard time, I could tell, so I let him enjoy some time with his friends. Tagging along would have been miserable for him. I needed to just let him have time to say good-bye on his own terms. It's sad for me because I know we would have gotten along swimmingly after I let go of the awkwards. I wonder if he thinks I'm a total fucktard, douche bag, whatever. I'm sure he does. Hopefully he understands that I was horribly nervous.

Upon getting home and relaxing, I realized that I couldn't really relax quite yet. I had no idea how to get to where I was supposed to be (Odate High) at 8:25 AM. I needed a trial run. I grabbed the map and wandered off alone in the dark. I would walk it and make sure that I would not be late (it is awful to be late in Japan).

I asked for some help not too far from my apartment. This was a very bad idea. Outside a barber shop, there were two people standing. I asked them (solely through gestures) if the road I was pointing at was the road on the map that I needed to get to. This created a mass panic.

A woman ran inside and got help. Another man ran out. I again tried to gesture what I was hoping to find out, but it wasn't working. I realized at this moment that I speak ZERO Japanese. I can't even say "I can't speak Japanese" (cured today!). Eventually, they affirmed that it was the road I needed. I went the wrong way, and they laughed at me as they saw me pass by the second time with chagrin.

Fuck! The walk was strange and lonely. I loved every minute of it, though. Odate is not a town that I ever saw myself living in. It's sort of creepy and spooky. I love it in a way, but I'm still trying to figure it all out. I got attacked by big bugs. I was confused. It was a strange sort of bliss, though. Everything in my past was wiped clean, and I was starting fresh. It's a hard feeling to describe.

Yay, video was uploaded successfully. You can see my delightful apartment tour here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJO3vUM5_Ac

I went to work the next day--only had to ask for directions once from a Japanese tween that looked befuddled and scared. He assured me that I was on the right path (sort of) and I soon found Odate High. Deep breath, deep breath. Off to school!

I don't know if anyone remembers the feeling of walking into a new school (junior high, high school, college, etc) but this was the feeling I had once again. Big "Ohiyo Gozaimasu" as I walked into the staff room door, just like they told us to do at orientation. I was greeted with a fairly lackluster welcome, but I was happy that I could simply sit and get to work. For the next ten hours!

My work day was long, but it was productive. I got the hiragana down pat (one of the Japanese scripts) and became slightly more confident in my Japanese greetings. The students were great--they all wanted to meet me and smiled big when I said "hello" to them. They really don't want to speak English, but they seemed happy when I told them that their English was good.

Oh, I forgot one thing that made me incredibly happy. The second time I went to the school, Domon-sensei overheard from one student that I seemed very "kind". This was my fuel to make it through the long work day ahead of me. It's amazing how far a compliment can go after the panic button has been pushed.

When I went home, I took a deep breath knowing that it was the weekend. After about three beers, I passed out on my mini-couch (the thing could barely sit a basset hound). Eventually I made it to my futon and crashed hard. Deep dark sleep.

Today was great. I haven't left, and I got my whole place set up just how I want it. There have been so many other little small victories and disasters, but I vowed before leaving that I wouldn't go into all of them. The video sort of covers it. I can't really do anything in my apartment (cooking, taking out trash, etc), but I'm very happy and calm tonight. Things are better. I'm going out soon with some of the other ALTs, and I desperately hope that I have a good night. I'm excited to see what the Odate night life has to offer. In this case, my expectations are fairly low.

It's a balancing act, from what I gather. I've been close to tears a few times, but it wears off pretty quickly. I think being alone is good for me. I studied, watched a movie, practiced my uke a lot, and got some writing in. Everything is all right.

IT's ALL RIGHT/IT'S ALL RIGHT!

Otis got it right, though. I didn't miss my water until my well ran dry. I had no idea how good I had it in Chicago. But, of course, this was also to be expected. There's so much unexpected stuff that I can't even complain or wonder what will happen. At the worst, I'll be fine. At the best, I'll find another well of water I never knew about.